All Nintendo ever wanted to do was make fun, wholesome experiences for players of all ages. Instead, fans keep demanding more and more intimate details about Mario’s body and sex habits.
And it seems like Nintendo just wishes it would stop.
A Super Mario Odyssey dev talk video posted Monday with producer Yoshiaki Koizumi shows the poor man uncomfortably dodging explicit questions about the (literal) seedy underbelly of Mario’s life.
“Why does Mario have nipples, but not a belly button?” is the first one right out the gate.
A mixture of disgust and concern crosses Koizumi’s face. “So we’re jumping into that question, are we?” Nevertheless, he persists. “Once I heard that people were talking so much about Mario’s belly button it made me start to think about whether we should revisit the topic on the design side.”
Before the release of Super Mario Odyssey, the internet was set ablaze by footage revealing Mario had nipples. It sparked a whole line of philosophical queries into the humanity of digital characters. Because if Mario sprung from Nintendo fully formed rather than gestating in a womb like the rest of us (as his lack of belly button would imply), then why would he need nipples?
Let me explain. Mario has a bellybutton but he wears his shorts high so you can’t see it. Mario, Peach, Pauline, Donkey Kong, And Bowser have been a disfunctional polycule for 30+ years. Peach is definitely Bowser Jr’s biological mom. Bowser has no nipples as he is not a mammal. https://t.co/g0SuoqnhOK
— Richard Penner (@timescanner) February 5, 2018
Moving on, Koizumi is then sprung with the most pressing question posed by Odyssey (which has also plagued Mario ever since he first graced arcade screens): “Can you describe Mario’s relationship with Peach, and now Pauline?”
But Koizumi once again evades through the art of the dodge.
“I would appreciate if we could respect the privacy of those three at this time,” he said, like a dad telling his kids to knock it off.
But clearly, we do not respect the privacy of these virtual beings. And we deserve answers.
Because long before Peach became the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, there was Pauline. She was the first damsel-in-distress from the Donkey Kong arcade game, where Mario had to jump over barrels to rescue her.
She was featured in other games through the decades, but was mostly replaced by Peach. Until Super Mario Odyssey revived her role as the Mayor of New Donk City (right, and you’re trying to tell us this game isn’t sexual?).
In it, Pauline can be seen shamelessly flirting with the plumber, distracting him on his quest to rescue the princess and even singing him a song entitled “I’ll Be Your 1-Up Girl.” There’s only two possible answers for this scandalous behavior: either Mario is a two-timing, lying, cheating bastard — or he’s in a polyamorous relationship that allows for multiple partners.
And don’t even get us started on the disconcerting sexual undertones to Mario, Bowser, and Peach’s relationship in this game, which finds a reptilian monster forcing a human woman into marriage.
I guess we’ll have to wait until the next episode of Keeping Up with the Koopa Kingdom to get to the bottom of these scandals.
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